Tuesday, November 17, 2009

chicken pox

I used to develop crushes like they were chicken pox--a little brief exposure and suddenly I was pink, feverish and breaking out.

A decently-cute guy (or sometimes not even) who paid enough attention to me (or sometimes not at all) and I wasn't just interested, I was smitten.

As you can probably guess, that didn't work out all that well.

After awhile I realized that it wasn't the boys I was so addicted to...it was that feeling. That feeling that gets stirred up in the first few moments of talking to someone you want to get to know. That feeling of hoping he'll call you (and subsequently, that feeling of obsessively checking his Facebook page, using imaginary psychic powers to will him to call you).

It was all very tiring, so a few months ago I decided to stop.

I went out, but I stuck with my friends instead of flirting with strangers. I ignored meaningful eye contact on public transportation. I went dancing, but I remained partnerless-by-choice. And the feeling stopped happening.

So now I'm kind of at a crossroads. I think I'm ready to seek out the feeling again...but I am hoping it'll be different. My friend Brooke tells me "if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got," and if I know one thing, it's that what I got before isn't what I want now. Not that I'm even sure of what I do want now.

I just know that I don't want chicken pox.

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